Rules and Choices

　
On other blogs I read women say that it is a choice. Punishment. Whether I choose to obey or disobey is a choice. Therefore, I choose to be punished or I choose to be praised. What??? Is it really? He makes the rules as we go. When he sees something that is important to him, he makes it a rule and all rules are spank able offences.
　
It feel like he is really getting into the swing of things this week. Pun intended. With three new rules that he knows are hard for me. : / I want to call him a jack ass but I did ask for this. It was my idea…. Right? It doesn’t matter that he was on the verge of bring it up himself. The only thing we added were punishment spankings. He already had a few rules for me and a daily task. He put me in “time out” quiet often, though we didn’t call it that and he frequently took away privileges. Who knew we were already practicing DD?

All of my rules fall under the four Ds. Even if something isn’t a specified rule but falls under the Ds, I can be punished for it. Imagine my surprise when I realized that?
　
Disobedience

Join in family activities when told to
*Complete the daily task or chore
Submit to his authority and do what I am told
*I am to keep my stuff off of his side of the bed
No cussing
Act like a lady

Disrespect

Be respectful to all family members
Be respectful to others outside of our family
Do not pick a fight with the Dragon
No slamming doors or throwing objects in anger
Do not walk away with an issue unresolved
And the forever popular…. don’t’ whine

Dishonesty

This one is not a huge issue but I do get in trouble for it
I lie about the task of the day getting done promply
I lie about getting out of bed on time
I lie about taking my asthma meds
I hide my level of pain (this one gets me in the most trouble)

Dangerous

Seat belt use
*Taking my asthma meds on time
I must go to bed at a reasonable hour
I must eat 3 meals a day or 6 snacks
(*new this week)
　
As I look at my list of rules, I am shamed that these rules are needed but a little proud too. Why? Even with so many rules made out of necessity, he doesn’t have to spank me very often. The weekly reminders are getting harsh because I have a hard time getting out of bed. Depression is hard to fight. He fights it with the paddle on my backside. When it looks like I am slipping he has a reminder session. Wowchy. Those are the ones he has to hold me down for. It is impossible to stay still with that much pain being inflicted on my poor backside. Since he has increased the severity of the weekly sessions, I know I don’t want to see what he in mind for punishment.
　
Some how It feels like Dragon has really stepped up to the plate in the last month. He hasn’t punished me but I work very hard to avoid it. I hate the paddle when it is used that way. I hate the way I feel. The shame, anger and hurt. It is a flood of negative emotions before I get back to that submissive, happy place. I hate the hurt look on his face. That determined look to do what needs to be done. I hate being told to drop my pants, bare my backside and get into position for punishment. It is shameful and humiliating. Did I mention that it hurt? That paddle striking my backside repeatedly really, really hurts. Nothing erotic or sexy about it.
　
I know it all sounds horrible. Believe me. Punishment is. But knowing that my man cares enough to do it makes me feel loved. TTWD has brought harmony to our home. Something that was never there before. Even though we have always had rules and accountability, this new level makes it real. The consequences can not be ignored. He isn’t overly strict but does expect my complete obedience. Dragon isn’t a controlling man. I am allowed to be my own person. I’m not a door mat, a slave or a chess pieces. He simply expects me to follow the household rules. That is reasonable.
　
So why do I feel like such a brat this week? Rebellious and defiant? Shhh don’t tell him. I am working hart to be obedient even though I don’t want to do it.  With three new rules just this week, I don't think this is going to end anytime soon. 

Every get the feeling that your HOH is looking for a reason to wear your tail out?  Yep.  I got that feeling right now. 

THE TASK

D: What do you want to get done today.
M: I want to clean in the sewing room. It is messy again and some laundry.
D: Sounds like a plan. Can you look for my suit coat today? I have misplaced it.
M: will do
　
Ok doesn’t sound too hard does it? I chose the task. I chose what I wanted to tackle today. Just like last week with only one difference. Last week he was holding me accountable for my daily task but I never had to find out what he was up to. Why am struggling today?
　
This week I know and this is the week I choose to goof off? The sewing room is improved but not to my standard and school work didn’t get done. I let the kids play outside. I felt off all day.
　
Two times out of the year I fall apart. The loss during a holiday outshines the joy. Right after thanks giving I start crying and morning for a little lost baby. She was the last of four miscarriages and the one I carried the longest. She already had a name. Sarah Faith. I was probably too thin to carry a baby to term. At 93 lbs. I was skin and bones. We tried for months to get pregnant and we were both starting to loose home that we could have a second child. Joy filled our home when the ept test was positive. Every day passed, we relaxed a little more, thinking that this baby would be carried to term. My Christmas tree is decorated in angels in memory of my little lost one.
　
Independence day soured 21 years ago. My father passed away July 1 and his funeral was on the 4^th. Who knows when the process starts but by June 15 I am a basket case. I don’t dwell on it. Most of the time, I don’t even know what is wrong. Crying, withdrawing from my family, the sewing room is empty. From my father, I learned unconditional love. He was never very loving. I don’t think he knew how to love but he tried his best. I loved him enough for both of us. He was 39, I was 18.
　
This year Dragon decided to use his new “tool box” to help me handle my grief. A task only last for 15 minutes but that is 15 minutes spent out of bed. Even with his hectic schedule this summer, he is taking the time to take care of me. Last week he would have given a warning during a firm lecture. This week I’m not so sure I get a warning for a task left undone. Not now that know it is a punishable offence.
　
I am happy that he is trying but not so sure that I like his methods. Not this week. All I want to do is cry and now he is telling me that he is enforcing something new. He has given me daily task since we lost little Faith. Some days his daily task and phone call is the only reason I get out of bed. Now it is enforced with the paddle. He is right. It is something that I wimp out on. Some how I have this strange feeling I know why I’ll get that next punishment.
　
I’ll be better of if I just have a little cheese with my whine. This IS what I ASKED for after all. I brought it to our marriage. Did I mention that he was about to bring it up himself? I beat him by just a few short weeks. He was going to initiate it. So I guess you can call DD a mutual decision for us. Not a his vs. her idea. .
　
My backside is still sore from this weeks reminder. He started it Saturday night after a very busy day. He told me to put the computer down, strip and lay on the bed. The swats started gentile and easy to take. I thought this was going to be another erotic session.
　
Boy was I wrong!

The swats started coming faster and harder until I was ready to run for it. He had to put his leg over me to hold me in place. What a brat. I couldn’t keep still. I tried every evasive maneuver known to every spanked wife in history. And still the swats kept coming. I had safe words but for some reason it didn’t occur to me to use them. Wish I had. He finally stopped and held me all night. No, he didn’t let me dress.
　
Sunday morning he continued the session with more hard fast swats. Not as many and not as long. He says I needed it. I can’t stay in bed and let the world go by without me. I have to get out and enjoy life just a little, he says.
　
I’m trying but I’m not so sure a sore backside is helping. These new rules are bring out the defiant brat in my personality. Definitely don’t like that part. I’ll have to wait and see how the week goes.
　
Wish me luck and say a prayer!

I am puzzled

Why is this man so fascinated with my backside? He doesn’t lead me with his hand on the small of my back anymore. Oh no. He drops that had down and covers my back pocket. We can’t go to the store without him picking up something he thinks would be useful. A belt, wooden spoon, brush, ping pong paddle, boat paddle. EEKKK. On a walk he will break a switch off a tree, strip it and give it a few test swigs.
　
Should I be thankful that or afraid because from my point of view, his mind is focused on my backside?
　
He will comment on whether I have lost or gained weight based on my how my backside looks in jeans. If I am having a hard time coping he will ask if he needs to take care of my backside. When I argue with him, he asks if he needs to end it or if I am going to. It is never pretty when he ends a disagreement.
　
Dragon tells me that there is no going back. My attitude has improved. I am more respectful to him and happier in general. My day is spent doing what needs to be done, not moping in the bedroom or on the computer. I have been getting my assigned tasks done every day. He gets sex when he wants it, not when I chose to be charitable and let him have what he wants. With the improvements he has seen so far, I think we can expect dd to continue to grow until it affects every aspect of our lives.
　
I found a blog called “Learning Domestic Discipline” What I found ironic is how closely we follow the writers ideas of what dd should be. The only difference I see is his rule about rubbing after a punishment. Dragon won’t rub my flaming bottom with lotion but he won’t stop me from giving it the occasional rub. He likes to see my hand sneak a rub. That is how he knows he made a lasting impression. Yep. I have been grounded and I have had a lot of “bedroom time.” Dragon has perfected his lecture technique over our 17 year marriage. I personally don’t think he needs any help with that one either.


I have read descriptions of punishments that seems more appropriate for a bdsm fantasy than real life DD. It was refreshing to find a blog written by a man that is realistic. I have to say that I am grateful my Dragon has only done what this man calls a basic punishment. Dragon has not used an intermediate punishment and I hope he never finds need to do an advanced punishment. It is refreshing to see a realistic “how to” for a very beginner. I don’t think Dragon needs a blog like that but I’m happy it is there for those who do.
　
Dragon decided to crack down on me this week and I didn’t even know it. Every morning, before he left for work, he have me a task to do. Every day I completed the task plus some. No half way doing anything. He was holding me accountable for those chores but I never had to find out. It was only this afternoon that I discovered that he was holding me accountable at all. I should have figured out something was up when he called for updates several times every day. He just knew he was going to have to punish me last week. Guess I showed him. I submitted without even knowing that a punishment spanking was hanging over my head.

Time to go spend Sunday afternoon with my family.  No more computer time today. 

Always peaches and cream?

No.

But a girl can wish.

Last night we had another stress relief session but I had a very hard time. For some reason fear kicked into high gear. Soft gentile strokes. Nothing too hard. Just a few stinging swats and a little lovemaking to top off the evening. A great plan right? It didn’t work out quite that way.
　
It started out ok but then I started getting scared. I don’t know why. The gentile strokes of the flogger on my back. My neck protected for the accidental blow with a thick towel. All is good right?

Wrong. He gave me safe words but I didn’t use them. I should have called red from the first moment I tasted the fear. My fault. He tried to calm me down by talking. Didn’t work. I ruined our evening. Today is one of those days that we won’t see much of each other. I’ll fix supper and have it ready before he gets home from work. As soon as he finishes his supper we are out the door again. Run, run, run. No time to fix it today. He says he knows what happed. I’m glad one of us does.

He respected my need for privacy to dress for bed. He kept his distance. When he put his arm around me, it was because I asked for it. How any man can have so much patience is beyond me. Kindness, patience, love and understanding. He understand even when I don’t. We won’t have much privacy until Sunday. I wonder if he will be able to help me understand what happened then? Hope so.

I feel guilty. I hurt him and didn’t intend to. After 18 years together you would think that I would be over everything that happened before we met. I guess there is still a little baggage in the trunk.

Punishment Vs Stress Relief

The best way to tell you is to tell you about a RL experience.



Punishment - an argument over nothing

We were putting printed sheets into page protectors. Over 200 of them. I worked with one binder. He worked with the other. He didn’t put enough page protectors in his binder . I noticed he was running low. It is hard to add them after the binder passes a certain point. I took a handful of pages out of mine and handed them to him.

Well…. He snapped at me. “Mr. professional binder stuffer” informed me that he does this every day at work and he knows how to do it.

GGGGGRRRRRR

I didn’t mean any harm. Just trying to be helpful and trying to get my books in binders.

Yep. I spa napped back and ended up storming out of the room.

“Come back here right now!”

NO! I’m done with this. You are the expert. You stuff the D@#$ things yourself.

Missie, NOW!

NO! I’m done! This is stupid!

I had just enough time in the bedroom to calm down a little when he decided it was time to take care of the seat of the matter. MY BACKSIDE! OOPS Maybe I shouldn’t have slammed the door and acted with SO much disrespect.

Missie, drop your jeans and put your hands on the bed.

No! (not a shining moment for me. You think?)

Now! This is not up for discussion. Most of our argument are over stupid stuff like this. You are going to pout all day if I don’t take care of this.

I dropped my jeans but left my panties in place. One little small bit of defiance left. He place my hands on the bed and the first swat landed right on the sit spot. WOWCHY. OH NO I didn’t let it show how much that hurt. Heck no. He gave me about 10 -15 good hard swats before he was done. No warm up. No break. No petting. No contact other than the paddle. Miserable.

I was a mess when he finished. I couldn’t look him in the eyes when he demanded it. I couldn’t accept his soothing words or loving arms. I was angry, hurt, sad and trying to figure out what just happened. He left me alone in the room to pull myself together. We still needed to cook supper and I needed to work in the sewing room. He was right. I would have pouted for days. He was right. It was a stupid silly fight. Even if I didn’t start it, I shouldn’t have been so disrespectful. It wasn’t fair that he started it and ended it but life isn’t fair is it?

I went right into his arms. He whispered words of love into my ear and we prepared a very nice meal for our family. The fight was ended.  No guilt, no pouting.  Over.



Sunday stress relief

Our weeks are filled. Hardly anytime to spend as a family. Monday-Thursday our days go from 5 am to 10 pm. Run run run. Classes, lessons, library, work. Full speed. Just a little stressful. Sunday morning I asked for a stress relief session.

Not sure where the day went. We didn’t go to church. Didn’t have home bible study. Not much family time. The weather was bad. We don’t get much rain up here in the north west but the wind can be nasty. That means, no privacy for mom and dad. NONE. I helped the girls clean their room and the boys put up the trip work on the newly painted walls.

At bed time, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was hurting and tired. But I hear something to got my attention. Bath salts hitting the bottom of the tub. When the water hit the salt, the scent of lavender filled the room. I was hooked. No spanking tonight. I get the royal treatment.

He undressed me and helped me into the tub full of bubbles and retrieved my ice water. When my hands and feet were waterlogged and wrinkled and the bath water was getting too cool, I let the water drain. He came in to help me step out of the tub and wrapped me in a towel. I reached for panties but he led me to the bed.

Lay down on your tummy.

Here I thought I was getting out of a spanking. But oh no. He just wanted to ease the aches and pains of the day before he began. He surprised me by starting with the floggers. The softest doe skin flogger hit my back like a gentile rain of leather. He moved on to the heavy elk flogger that is all thud. Then on to the thick cow hide. That thing bites. Owche. He started with a good long warm up and built the intensity so slow that it felt wonderful.

He moved from my back to my backside. Out came the paddles. He used each one in turn. He didn’t go as easy with paddles. I felt every swat. He even used Thing 1. You better believe I noticed when thing made contact with my already stinging backside.

When my skin was a nice cherry red and every muscle in my body relaxed, he put his tools away. He held me close. I slept in his arms skin to skin.

Punishment vs. Stress relief?
As different as night and day.

Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day to all the fathers out there! ! ! !

My husband didn’t have to be a father at 20. He met a girl in EMT school. She was too skinny, wore a wedding band and worried about a little baby girl. I didn’t take him long to figure it out. The ring was a shield. Her armor to keep men away. She was hurting and afraid. So thin because all her money went to take care of the baby. There wasn’t much left to feed herself.

Every day that class met, he gave her his phone number and asked her to call. She said she didn’t have a phone. He didn’t understand why she couldn’t use a friends phone to call if she wanted to. He was persistent.

She worked long hours and studied hard make passing grades. With a sick baby, she didn’t have the energy to take care of her own yard. So, she decided to let him come over and help out. Maybe if he is willing to help out around the house, he is worth keeping around.

He came over as soon as he got off work. The young mother was so tired. He walked the floor with the sick baby while she took a nap on the couch. He alternated holding her and holding the sick baby. He changed diapers. Didn’t complain when baby got sick all over him. Washed baby sick clothes and cleaned house.
Hmmm. This one looks like he may really be a keeper.

18 years ago that young mother opened her heart one more time. It was a decision she didn’t regret.
He didn’t have to be a father. He didn’t have to step up and take responsibility for a ready made family but he did. I love him so very much.

Happy Fathers Day My Love

PS The grass didn’t get cut that day but he cut it on his next off day. Then he filled her kitchen with $200 in groceries. Yep he was a keeper.

Marks

The first time Dragon spanked me, he didn’t leave a mark. It wasn’t very hard, compared to what we do now but I loved it. He wasn’t so sure. A few weeks passed and I talked him into another pleasure spanking. I wanted the deep relaxation I got from the first one. But I asked him to go further. With constant communication he delivered perfect swats. Stinging fast slaps. We didn’t have that first paddle yet. I was in heaven. It was hard to stay still at first but after the endorphins began to flow, I didn’t want it to end.
The next morning, we showered and prepared for our day.

He saw it. THE MARK! It put him in a downward spiral for weeks. He couldn’t forgive himself for “hurting” me. I couldn’t convince him that I like my little bruise. It took a while but I finally convinced him to try again. He wasn’t ready for DD, not yet but he was willing to give impact play another try.

He was hooked.

First came the recently departed cherry paddle and then oak. A flogger was added to the collection and a wooden spaghetti spoon (wowchy) He drummed on my back and backside with everything imaginable. Sometimes he left a light mark. Sometimes he left nothing but a smile. Never tears.

He admits that he thought about spanking me when I would get in one of those bratty moods but he never said anything. (even before I asked him to spank me) When I asked about DD, he said, not yet. Dragon thought I needed to learn to trust him more first.

He used the M/s dynamic to build my trust in him. With floggers, knives and fire. Slowly he built up my self esteem. The deeper we went, the harder we played, the more I wanted. Soon, we were taking our first steps into public play. A new way to push limits and grow. I learned accept my body for the first time in life. I learned self acceptance.

And so began our journey into ttwd. It was a journey of growth and learning for me. I learned how to reconcile my sexuality with my faith. God made me who I am and loves me just the way I am. I am not sick or condemned to hell. I am a sinner just like everyone else on this earth.

Now, Dragon leaves marks on my body and smiles at the dark storm clouds and tiger stripes. He knows I’ll be purring for days. A secret smile appears on his face when he puts his hand on my back in public and I cringe just a little. Oh so sore but so nice too. Punishment isn’t his favorite thing in the world. It isn’t on my top ten list either but the benefits are too great to stop.

It is insane. I know it. But today I asked for him to take a step further into ttwd. When we argue, I can say some very hurtful and destructive things. I don’t know why I do it. And I always regret the hurt I see in his eyes. Today, I asked for him to hold me accountable for those awful words. I won’t use those words just to push him. I won’t make him punish me intentionally but I am sure those words will slip out again. No spanking can hurt as much as those words hurt him. I hope I did the right thing.

Am I creating a monster here? EEEKKK. What was I thinking?

A little about me

So what kind of woman asks to be spanked? Who would want this lifestyle? I do for one. Here is a glimpse of who I am every day in real life.

*I have four children. The girls are 18, 14 and 12. The one boy is 9.

*I met the love of my life September 1993 and married him September 1994.

*I home school my children out of necessity. I have been told by a school teacher that I am doing a better job teaching my children than any school ever could. That is the highest compliment any home school mom could ever get.
*I love all kinds of music. Classic rock, pop, disco, heavy metal, hair, country, classical, jazz, big band and last but not least! Christian music!

*Politically I am a moderate. Both the Demarats and the Retards are too extreme.  Nor do I like the tea baggers.

*Hobbies. Sewing tops the list, the history of fashion and fabrics, gardening, cultivating my beautiful roses, animal rescue, dog training and rehabilitation, camping, hiking, bike riding and ice skating. (considering ice hockey just for fun) I almost forgot one. Reading!

*I love a little kink mixed in to give our relationship more flavor. After all, who wants vanilla everyday? Ropes, dildos, plugs, leather, floggers, clips, fire, knives and the violet wand.

*I am an exhibitionist but only in the appropriate places.  Never around children or those who may be offended. 

*I am actively involved in our local kink community. It is the one place being a spanked, submissive wife is acceptable. Christians are not usually accepted but for some reason I am. Don’t know... am I different for most???

*Figging. He loves the effect it has on me. I hate that burning, hateful plug shoved up my dark secret place. I beg and plead but it does no good. I submit to it and he removes it when he is ready. He will use it for punishment in the future. Can I hide under the bed?

*I am spanked for both punishment and pleasure. They are both very different. I am a pain slut but there is NOTHING erotic about a punishment spanking.

*I am a Christian but find that I don’t fit into any church or denomination. As a family we are too conservative in some ways and too liberal in others.

*I worship and praise God with all my heart! And I play just as hard!

*I love long motorcycle rides. I just wish we had two bikes.

*I don’t march to the beat of the drummer everybody else hears. I dance to my own music and love life.

*I am currently attending a church but taking my time before I get too involved. Christians can be some of the most hurtful, judgmental people around.

Did I forget something? Ask!


Lessons a mother and daughter learned this summer

*Some men are just plain out evil
*no matter how hard you try, you can’t change a man
*love should never make you feel dirty or used
*look for a man who loves Christ first!
*don’t get advice from those who don’t love Christ
*don’t get advice from people who have not had a successful relationship
*mom and dad aren’t as dumb as we look to an 18 yo teenager.
I hope these are the lessons my baby girl learned anyway

Westboro Baptist Church

I know. This isn’t a DD topic. Many of my posts aren’t. They are about my life and things that are important to me. I am sure, if you read my blog, that you know how important the military and veterans are to me. They are very close to my heart. I have a family full of vets who have served the United states with honor and integrity. The men and women in uniform protect our freedoms that we take for granted ever day.

What the Westboro church does, disgusts me. The very people they protest, are the ones who protect the constitution of our great country. The US military protects their right to protest a fallen soldiers funeral! The young Marine who gave his life, died to protect the people standing on the street corner. His young wife and children are hurt by the actions of these horrible people.

AND WE ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN!

Three bikers took the battle to the Topeka, Kansas. They rode 600 miles from Colorodo to the door step of this misguided church. I applaud their courage. More people need to stand up and DO SOMETHING! Yes, more people would be me. I need to stand up and show my support for those who have given all. I need to show that young widow that I care. I need to show Westboro that what they are doing IS NOT OK!

Share this article. Add it to your own blog. Tweet it, FB it, Email it. AND DO SOMETHING! I am going to get a PGR flag and figure out how to mount it on my bike. They have some ideas on their web page.
Todays bible study will be on the Zealots and misguided faith.
Patriot Guard Riders web page.

Charley Barnes and Motorcycle Buddies Go Behind Enemy Lines at Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas

http://k99.com/my-ride-to-westboro-baptist-church-a-huge-success/ 

Patriot Guard Riders

http://www.patriotguard.org/

Go to the link and read the story please.  Thank you for taking the time to read a non DD blog post. 

Sex and ttwd

I have read about other couples who enjoy sex after a session. Whether it was a punishment or a regularly scheduled weekly session doesn’t seem to matter. Another chastised wife described being taken by her husband after a punishment and denying her an orgasm. Using sex as a way to further the submission of the wife.

Personally, I can’t imagine sex after a spanking of any kind. Afterward, I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I don’t want to be cuddled or held. I can’t lift my head to make eye contact. It is hard to describe exactly how I feel. I feel like I am in a million pieces. After a stress relief, I am relaxed and in a happy place. Not feeling sexy at all. After a punishment I am dealing with a rush of emotions. It takes time to calm my mind. After a little bit, I can reconnect physically with my husband but sex ? I’m not so sure about that.

As we grow closer, I find myself submitting in ways I never imagined. It is hard sometimes but I manage. I am still a brat and a spoiled princess. I still want it my way. Fighting the depression is a daily battle. One I lost today. I am more respectful toward him, more loving and kind. Maybe this is one of those things that has to come with time. Don’t know.

I do know one thing. I won’t be suggesting sex after a session any time soon. DD, alternative punishment, corner time, new implements, tears… These are all things I brought to his attention. Small hints have been dropped and I have found the courage to flat out ask for new things. Sex?  I brought it up a few days ago but I think that is one we will both veto. I know I won’t mention that again. No way. If he wants to bring it to ttwd, he will have to do that himself. He is a good judge of my sate of mind. He will know whether or not I can handle it, if the time comes. Trust the Dragon.

He knows me. I guess this is just one more area that I’ll have to learn how to show a little trust. Step by step. So far he has been very methodical. Not sure he has a plan but it sure feels that way to me. Stress relief sessions are getting harder. Rules and tasks are added slowly. Issues that irritate him are being addressed. One small step at a time, he is taking our relationship where he wants it to go. My Dragon is truly the Captain of his ship

Last nights spanking was not a barn burner, maintenance or stress relief. He took the computer out of my hands, removed my clothing one piece at a time and positioned me on the bed for my comfort. I was nervous until he gave me safe words to use and made me promise to use them. First he used his hand to deliver gentile pats and then the paddle. Slow and steady. Perfect.

His intent was to put me to sleep. He did.

Trust part II

We are back from our week in the mountains, not just looking at them in the distance. It was a nice getaway even if it did snow two times. It was cold and too wet to do anything outside until our last two days there. Lots of cuddle time spent under the blankets and too much time for my mouth to get me in trouble. Oh well. It was going to happen eventually anyway.

I have to admit that I was surprised by the force of emotion I felt after being punished. Angry? Why? I asked for this didn’t I? So why am I angry at him? I long to reconnect with him the way other woman do after a session. The problem is that I don’t want to be helped. I want to sit down, pout and complain about what an unfair @$$ he is. I want to feel submissive after it is over, not resentful. I want to reconnect, not pull further away. (can I please have it both ways?  without the extra swats, corner time and tears?)

Is it possible? Can that happen for us? I don’t know. Sitting here beside him, I am afraid to hope. A punishment or any session for that matter, ends when I say, “I can’t take it anymore.” What I should be saying ?

I trust you to do what needs to be done.
I trust you not to go too far.
I trust you not to hurt me.
I trust you to be there for me when it is over.
I trust you enough to let you see my tears.
I trust you enough to fully submit.
I trust you …..

That is all I should say. Not the defiant words that come out of my mouth when he tells me to bare my backside. I shouldn’t tell him when the punishment is over, when I have had enough. I am clearly not a good judge of that. Not when I’m still angry several hours latter. Instead of dropping my pants but leaving my panties in place, I should obey.

For now I am going set a few goals. Things I want to change in myself.


1. Not use the words, “I can’t take it anymore.”

2. Be still even when the swats are coming hard and fast

3. Bare my backside when he tells me too with No defiance.

Maybe I should just work on one at a time. Hmmm. He doesn’t know about this list or this post. Not yet anyway. The goals I set are scary when I think about his words. He has decided that it is time to break the tear barrier as it is called in or house. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stick to any of my goals but after all they are goals. Something to work toward, Right?

Breath…..

PS. Based on yesterdays session, he is good to his word. In the garage, with the door locked for privacy. He placed a chair in front of me and sat down. “drop um.” I went a few steps further and stood nude for his inspection. He pulled me across his lap, positioned my backside to his satisfaction and gave me the hardest hand spanking he has ever given me. He pulled the skin tight and hit that sit spot over and over. Dragon was quite pleased with the results. Tears stung my eyes but did not fall. I used those awful words. You know the ones. :/ Got to work on that one. I’ll do better next time? (not sure what that spanking was about. Punishment? No. but it wasn’t a regular stress relief either)

Today, I am wearing panties I hate and he loves. Dragon didn’t tell me to. I am doing it just to please him. A little discomfort on my part is worth the sexy grin on his face. I wish thongs were more comfortable….

Trust the Dragon

I have gotten to spend a LOT of time with my Dragon this week.  I'm not sure how to word this.  Most of the time I get things all twisty trying to explain them.  But here goes my best shot. 

Our oldest daughter is going to spend the summer with her grandmother 2000 miles away.  EEKKK  It is going to be a stressful time for all of us.  A trail run of the first chick leaving the nest?  Here are his words as I remember them.  If you read my blog you know my memory is always full of holes but here is my best shot.

"The next few months are going to be hard on you.  (ok, so we are going to drop dd?)You are going to need me to be a strong leader and take you in hand.  (guess not)  Be ready for tears.  I know why they don't fall and I am going to fix that.  Harder. Longer.  If I have to tie your hands I will.  (oh no)  I know you want a break from dd but that isn't going to happen.   You are getting depressed again.  We are going to fix that."

Ever felt like the ax is about to fall?  That is how I feel right now.  I have just a few days left before the blade is honed to its final edge.  Not sure I want this but it is too late to back out now.  Breath Missie. I know he loves me.  I know he will do what is best.  It is my turn to trust him....